Thursday, March 31, 2005

A little background:

I began my clinical training in St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands. It was divine. I loved every second of our lives there. Mitch flew smaller planes for different Major Airline, and I went with him on his trips to St. Lucia, Grenada, Aruba, Tortola, and other similarly hideous places. When I wasn’t traveling, I was delivering babies. We lived in a house on the ocean and I saw dolphins and whales from my porch. I swam everyday in a heart-shaped bay whose name I share. To say that life was perfect is an understatement.
9/11 happened. The airline industry tanked.
We left paradise and moved to a small liberal city in the midwest, where I finished my clinical training. I had amazing experiences in this part of the country, including lots of Amish births and meeting the women who would shape my character as a midwife and as a woman.
When I finished my clinical training we moved to a small ultra liberal city in the north Midwest, where I began my midwifery practice and we continued to try to have a child. We loved this city. We planned on staying there for the rest of our lives. I made the best friends I’ve ever had there. (More later about this)
When we had been in this city for one year, and 6 months after I had the ectopic, Mitch got hired by a different Major Airline. The pay would be better, his schedule would be better; he could stay at this airline until he retired.
Around this time I began questioning whether or not I could still be a midwife. I was beginning to resent some of my clients, the young, unmarried ones who got pregnant on accident and continued to smoke pot and ride motorcycles.
So, we moved. To a large conservative Southwest city(that we really don't like), with plans to stay here one year or maybe 2, until Mitch was able to commute back to the north Midwest city we love. We would pursue fertility testing and make treatment decisions, and I would figure out my professional life.

We have been here one year. Here is what we’ve figured out so far:

We’re going to do 4 IUI’s, with injectables. If they don’t work, we will wait 6 months (to repair our finances) then begin the adoption process.

I am a midwife. Deep in my soul and bones, I know this is true. But I can’t practice as a midwife right now. Maybe sometime in the future, when time or a child has healed me, but not now.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Amazing race makes me cry, can't decide about IUI

Last night I watched the Amazing Race. There is an infertile couple on the show who, if they win, are planning on using the money to finance IVF. Not easy to figure out who I'm rooting for.
So, anyway, one of the tasks was to buy items like diapers, clothes, etc and take them to an orphanage in South Africa. It was hard for me to see all those gorgeous, smiling brown children on TV. I cried with empathy for what the infertile couple (who also happen to be brown) must have felt to see all those kids right in front of them, thanking them over and over for their small gifts. How they were able to leave that place without taking a dozen kids home with them, I don't know.

No segue here, I'm not a good enough writer to tie these things together...

I am rethinking the IUI's. I just don't have any faith that they will work. I am feeling very uneasy about spending $1200/month (and thats without meds) on an 8%(with clomid) or 15% (with injectables) chance of success. And more than the money, is the Hope that I can't spare. I can't waste all that hope on such a low chance of success There is not very much Hope to go around these days. I think more and more often about foregoing IUI altogether and begin investigating IUI or adoption.
Mitch wants to do the IUI's. I think, if we do them, I want to skip the clomid challenge test, and go straight to injectables. Really, whats in my mind is that I want to fast-forward through the IUI's, so that we can get on to making the IVF vs. adoption decision.
Of course,we can't afford more than one IVF, and even that will take a home equity loan.
And I'm terrifed that nobody in their right mind will give us a kid. I'm afraid that they will take one look at our debt to income ratio and laugh uproariously. (Student loans, and living off one income for the last 3 years while I finished my clinical training and began my first year of practice have done some pretty serious damage. And now I don't even know if I can be a midwife anymore. So, because I wanted to be a midwife, I might not be able to convince someone to get give me a kid. And because I can't have a kid myself, I might not be able to be a midwife. How's that for irony.....)

Also, I am fat. I gained 5 pounds last week. I almost did it on purpose. I ate everything in sight, including enough Easter chocolate to give a whale diabetes. I've said 3 times this week (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings) that TODAY I'm starting my diet!! I will lose these brand new 5 pounds and 30 of their friends!!
I just ate a honey roasted ham sandwhich on french bread, with mayo. And I washed it down with an ice cold glass of whole milk. 2 hours before that, and 30 minutes after previously mentioned declaration, I downed a grande Caramel Macchiato (From a coffee chain whose name is synonymous with Satan, but whose drive through is on my way to work) As you can see, the diet is going well......

I did go to the gym last night, and I will take a walk this afternoon. I love to listen to audio books and walk. All hail the invention of the iPod and

No gym tonight though, its Wednesday. Wednesday is the night that Mitch and I spend together. We eat dinner, we watch LOST, then we turn off the TV and spend the rest of the evening talking. Often we take the dog for a walk, sometimes we get ice cream.
Tonight we will decide to IUI or not to IUI. With or without injectables.

Because theoretically my period should arrive soon. I am 12 days past my last prometrium. I am frustrated as hell about my period taking its sweet time to show the fuck up. I spotted a few days ago, but just once. I've had cramps every day since taking the last yellow bullet. But no little red bitch. I even wore my favorite turquoise, mesh, hipster panties which as any good infertile knows is a sure way to bring on the bitch. But no, she eludes me.

I'm rambling, but I like this blog thing. I might do it again tomorrow.

Friday, March 25, 2005

2nd One

So, the lap is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The worst part was dealing with the anesthesia, and the shoulder pain from the CO2 that they blew me up with.
Its been about a month, and my scars are starting to fade slightly. I have 3 of them, about an inch long.
My post-op appointments were quite informative. My right side was full of adhesions and stage II endo. The endo and adhesions were lasered off, but my right tube is still misshapen and my RE, Dr. G, estimates that I have about a 30% chance of having another ectopic on that side. Great.
I have lots of neat pictures of my ovaries, uterus, tubes and even some of my liver and gallbladder. They make my husband dry-heave. I enjoy leaving them on the coffee table or on the kitchen counter...
At my last appointment, the wand monkey said that it appeared that I had already ovulated several days before. Bad news since we hadn't been having sex several days before. So Dr. G gives me a lab slip to get my progesterone checked in 3 days. The results say I haven't ovulated. So I begin prometrium.
Yep, thats right. The cycle that "they" all say is generally your most fertile, I don't ovulate for the first time in my life. And I have to take prometrium for the first time in my life.
I still don't have my period and I took the last pill 7 days ago. Its normal for it to take up to 20 days, says Dr. G's nurse.
So thats where I am now. Waiting for my period to start so we can do the Clomid Challenge test. We are opting out of the Post-coital test in favor of an IUI. If we combine the CCT with IUI, our insurance will pay for half of it. And who cares about the post-coital results. We've been trying it the "coital" way for almost 3 years!
In other news, I am taking one of my national midwifery exams in 4 weeks. Am totally ambivalent about it. Still don't know if I can be a midwife anymore.