Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Amazing race makes me cry, can't decide about IUI

Last night I watched the Amazing Race. There is an infertile couple on the show who, if they win, are planning on using the money to finance IVF. Not easy to figure out who I'm rooting for.
So, anyway, one of the tasks was to buy items like diapers, clothes, etc and take them to an orphanage in South Africa. It was hard for me to see all those gorgeous, smiling brown children on TV. I cried with empathy for what the infertile couple (who also happen to be brown) must have felt to see all those kids right in front of them, thanking them over and over for their small gifts. How they were able to leave that place without taking a dozen kids home with them, I don't know.

No segue here, I'm not a good enough writer to tie these things together...

I am rethinking the IUI's. I just don't have any faith that they will work. I am feeling very uneasy about spending $1200/month (and thats without meds) on an 8%(with clomid) or 15% (with injectables) chance of success. And more than the money, is the Hope that I can't spare. I can't waste all that hope on such a low chance of success There is not very much Hope to go around these days. I think more and more often about foregoing IUI altogether and begin investigating IUI or adoption.
Mitch wants to do the IUI's. I think, if we do them, I want to skip the clomid challenge test, and go straight to injectables. Really, whats in my mind is that I want to fast-forward through the IUI's, so that we can get on to making the IVF vs. adoption decision.
Of course,we can't afford more than one IVF, and even that will take a home equity loan.
And I'm terrifed that nobody in their right mind will give us a kid. I'm afraid that they will take one look at our debt to income ratio and laugh uproariously. (Student loans, and living off one income for the last 3 years while I finished my clinical training and began my first year of practice have done some pretty serious damage. And now I don't even know if I can be a midwife anymore. So, because I wanted to be a midwife, I might not be able to convince someone to get give me a kid. And because I can't have a kid myself, I might not be able to be a midwife. How's that for irony.....)

Also, I am fat. I gained 5 pounds last week. I almost did it on purpose. I ate everything in sight, including enough Easter chocolate to give a whale diabetes. I've said 3 times this week (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings) that TODAY I'm starting my diet!! I will lose these brand new 5 pounds and 30 of their friends!!
I just ate a honey roasted ham sandwhich on french bread, with mayo. And I washed it down with an ice cold glass of whole milk. 2 hours before that, and 30 minutes after previously mentioned declaration, I downed a grande Caramel Macchiato (From a coffee chain whose name is synonymous with Satan, but whose drive through is on my way to work) As you can see, the diet is going well......

I did go to the gym last night, and I will take a walk this afternoon. I love to listen to audio books and walk. All hail the invention of the iPod and Audible.com

No gym tonight though, its Wednesday. Wednesday is the night that Mitch and I spend together. We eat dinner, we watch LOST, then we turn off the TV and spend the rest of the evening talking. Often we take the dog for a walk, sometimes we get ice cream.
Tonight we will decide to IUI or not to IUI. With or without injectables.

Because theoretically my period should arrive soon. I am 12 days past my last prometrium. I am frustrated as hell about my period taking its sweet time to show the fuck up. I spotted a few days ago, but just once. I've had cramps every day since taking the last yellow bullet. But no little red bitch. I even wore my favorite turquoise, mesh, hipster panties which as any good infertile knows is a sure way to bring on the bitch. But no, she eludes me.

I'm rambling, but I like this blog thing. I might do it again tomorrow.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome to the land of decisions! It's large and can be gloomy...but there is a little hope floating around from time to time. I hope your time is a short one. Drop by if you want to chat.

March 30, 2005 5:12 PM  

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