Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Balls

Thats what we saw last week at our ultrasound. Our little exhibitionist spread his legs,mooned the "camera",and there they were. A teeny little penis and teeny little balls. No doubt about it, this kid has outdoor plumbing.
Mitch cried. I felt like I was having an out of body experience.
Now, if you are still trying to get pregnant, stop reading. I mean it. Stop. Now.
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Then I cried. And not in a good way.
I never thought I'd have a boy. I always imagined myself as the mother of girls.
I felt like I had an idea how to raise a girl to be strong, independent, self-assured, sweet, compassionate and loving. I don't have any idea how to raise a boy.

I felt like the world's WORST mother already. The guilt was CONSUMING me. How DARE I feel anything but joy?!?!?
I would give everything I own for this baby to be born safely, and I was SAD because he wasn't a girl?

Then,later that day, I tentatively started talking to my mom and my girlfriends about it. And they all told me they felt the same way, about their first children especially. And I started to feel better. I started to realize that I wasn't really sad that he's a boy, I just had to feel the loss of my idea that I was having a girl.
I have always been BEYOND grateful that he is healthy and appears to be thriving. But now I am as in love with the u/s picture of his tiny balls as my husband is. I'm looking forward to being the mother of a sweet little boy.
I still have a hard time looking at tiny pink smocked dresses, but I'm very excited to be buying blue corduroy overalls instead.

(Please, PLEASE do not leave nasty comments about what an ungrateful bitch I am. Anyway, nothing you can say to me will make me feel any worse than I already did.)

36 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a really common sentiment. This book is awesome and many of the writers say the same thing - they never thought they'd have sons.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1580051456/sr=8-1/qid=1139979641/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-6423775-8162334?%5Fencoding=UTF8

- beaver girl

February 14, 2006 10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and congratulations!

-beaver girl (again)

February 14, 2006 10:02 PM  
Blogger K said...

I think you're handling your feelings perfectly. Be honest with what you feel and why you feel that way.
You'd be ungrateful if you said what one of my patient said "who cares if it's healthy, I don't want a girl!'.... um yeah, i wanted to smack her. actually I think she said "healthy schmealthy!"
Acknowledging that you're dissapointed you're not having a girl is just the truth about how you feel.
However, I'm excited that you're having a healthy baby.. whatever it's genitals are. :D

Feeling any movement yet? That's when it gets really really good.
korin
www.livejournal.com/users/chiromama

February 14, 2006 10:26 PM  
Blogger tana said...

I touched on this subject on my blog. I have cut & pasted quotes cuz they say it so well. We waited all the way to the end to be surprised

"It's a Girl!" My heart dropped and I was disappointed, I had wanted a Boy.


When I woke up in the recovery room, while still feeling sleepy and doped up I made the comment that I was disappointed that I had a girl. For the rest of my life I will hate myself for that.

I wrote about feeling sad and dejected I feel I need to say that my sadness wasn't because I didn't get the boy I wanted, I got over my disappointment the moment I held her in my arms and saw her sweet face.

I am almost 22 weeks pg and have my Level II tomorrow where we will hopefully have confirmation that it is indeed the boy my OB thinks he is.

February 14, 2006 11:27 PM  
Blogger swissmiss said...

If beaver girl's post links to It's Boy! edited by Andrea Buchanan I can only second the nomination. It's good reading. However, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you read the essay called Samuel by Susan Ito until well after the birth. Really. Please.

And this is going to sound really cheesy and might fall under assvice but when they hand you that little guy...well. Well. There are no words.

And hey! Congratulations!! It's a boy!!

February 15, 2006 1:30 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

All while going through infertility treatments I really had no preference what we had. Now that I'm actually pregnant, I find myself wishing for girls. And feeling guilty as well. No nasty comments here.

February 15, 2006 7:24 AM  
Blogger Nico said...

I think as much as we say "I don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy", a lot of us would actually prefer one sex over the other. It's hard in the same way that realizing we're infertile is hard - you've imagined things going a certain way for such a long time. But, when he/she actually arrives, I don't think it will matter one bit.

February 15, 2006 7:48 AM  
Blogger DD said...

I also wanted a girl, but I went through finding out the Tana did, and it was my husband who announced it. I also felt disappointed, but now I know I have the opportunity to raise a boy who can be sensitive and strong. They are so rare. I would still l.o.v.e. to have a little girl, but right now just getting/staying pregnant again would be enough...until I started wanting to decorate the nursery.

February 15, 2006 7:57 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Congratulations! I'm just so happy for you I could cry. I've read your blog, so I know what you've been through to try to get here. I'm delighted that you and mitch will soon become parents to a little boy. No nasty comments here either! I know EXACTLY what you mean...let me explain...

In April of 2004 we became pregnant accidentally. Being a carrier for a genetic disorder, this was not a good thing. At 11 weeks we underwent CVS to genetically test the DNA for this disorder. In about a week, we got the results from the first round of testing - normal, healthy boy. I was stunned, because I just never thought that having a boy was an option. I mean, sure, you know logically it's going to be one or the other, but we always thought we'd have a girl. We picked out the name years ago, even before we started trying. It was so in our heads that we'd have a girl, I was just stunned and disappointed to find that the child I carried was a boy. I spoke with some friends and my aunt who had boys, and I warmed up to the idea. I even eventually became excited about having a little boy (now we just had to figure out a name...)

When we finally got the results of the DNA testing for the specific disease, it turned out our son was affected. As this was a debilitating and degenerative neurological condition, we terminated the pregnancy. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do, and we miss our son terribly.

In July of 2005, after several failed IVF & PGD attempts, we decided to go with my cousin's egg donation. I am now 8 months pregnant with our second son. This time, we really didn't care too much about the gender, although I was a little surprised it was another boy. As long as he'll never have to worry about this disease, that's all that matters. I still look at cute little girl dresses and am amazed by just how adorable they are. But my father was ever the fashion plate so I know I can dress my son just so.

I'm glad you're morning the loss of having a girl, but you're certainly not a bad mother, not by any stretch. I think you'll be a great mom, and your son will be in good hands with such wonderful parents. I'm just so happy for you all! Wishing you all the best for a continued smooth pregnancy.

February 15, 2006 9:01 AM  
Blogger Boliath said...

I'm 3rding the assvice to read 'It's a Boy!'

It's a good book for anyone pregnant with or raising a boy, nice short stories by clever writers.

Congratulations on your boy, please don't feel bad about your disappointment, even though I said "oh I don't mind what gender the baby is, as long as s/he is healthy, I'm happy" the whole way through my pregnancy, I wanted a boy I really did, I'm sure I would have been a little sad if it was girl but luckily I didn't have to deal with that. Please don't beat yourself up, honestly, assvice I know but when they hand you that tiny creature, it really doesn't matter what their plumbing is like, as long as it is all there, cliche cliche, but it's true.

Boys are fun!

February 15, 2006 10:05 AM  
Blogger Dream Mommy said...

I just took a vote on that on my blog. I understand you prefering a girl, but glad it's healthy.

February 15, 2006 11:04 AM  
Blogger Catizhere said...

Oh BOY oh BOY!!!

To tell you the truth, I think if the tech tells me that it's a girl on March 2nd, I will be a tad disappointed. I already have a girl. I REALLY want a boy. I guess it's natural to have a preference.

February 15, 2006 11:43 AM  
Blogger k #2 said...

It's healthy that you can talk about your reservations to mother a son. After all, how can a female know how to raise a male? So, don't beat yourself up too much! It will just take awhile to get used to the idea of blue (which I notice is the background color of your blog, I must add)! Congrats!

February 15, 2006 3:27 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

I can completely understand the trepidation about having a boy instead of a girl. (So much so that when he's talking about our friends' kids, my husband will say, "See, boys are cute, too!")

I think that's part of the reason why I didn't want to find out the sex beforehand--I figured if I knew it was a boy for months before the birth, I would stew about it, and be upset by both the news and my reaction to it.

Whereas, now, I know I'll be thrilled just to hold a baby in my arms at the end of this, and whether it's a boy or a girl, I'll be utterly in love.

And so will you!

February 15, 2006 4:14 PM  
Anonymous Tanya said...

I felt the same way! The first time...and the second time. Now I am going for #3. I love my boys a LOT, and I am only truly hoping this baby is healthy. That being said...a little girl would be so nice. There is almost a 10 year gap between this child and my last. Things didn't come around as quickly this time. At all! Don't feel guilty. I don't think it makes you selfish and I don't think it makes you a bad mom.

February 15, 2006 8:46 PM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

Remember that beautiful healthy boy you predicted for me? You got your wires crossed, Megan, because that vision was meant for you. How wonderful!

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. You are SOO not a bad mom!! GF of mine had three u/s to confirm she was having a girl (she had wanted a boy very badly)... now she's over the moon for her baby girl.

I'm so happy for you, especially that your little one is well and thriving. Please post more, ok? I always get a little squeal-ish to see a new post from you.
:)

-D.

February 15, 2006 8:51 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

You bitch! Kidding, kidding.

I'm quite the opposite to you in this sense - I'm quite keen on the idea of having a boy, and I'd be lying if I said I'd not be at least a little bit disappointed if I found out it was a girl. I'd get over it quickly and soon come to the realisation that I was lucky to get a baby out of it, regardless of its sex.

In regard to the clothing, I think there are tons of adorable boys' clothes out there now. It's not all light blue with tractors and planes on it you know.

Congratulations!

February 16, 2006 5:26 AM  
Anonymous Samie said...

We felt the same way- both my husband & I. We had a lil girl name all picked out, and when the tech told us it was a boy, we asked if she was sure. Seriously. We asked. But i have to admit, there is NOTHING cuter than a 'sanppily' dressed lil boy. they look like little men in a way little girls can't look like little women. I have some great photos on Flickr, if you would like to see them. Enjoy the fact that you felt guilty, it is a sure sign of being a MOM.

February 16, 2006 9:20 AM  
Blogger WriterGrrl said...

Just because you had to try so hard for a baby doesn't make you any less entitled to being human and having normal thoughts. It's totally, totally normal to want a girl. It's so natural to have that flash of disappointment when you don't hear what you want. And that's what it is -- a flash. It hits you, washes over you, leaves you unsteady for a bit. And then. You think about it again, just like you did, and you smile a little. And then a lot. And it gets better. And sometime about a year from now, you'll realize that you could never imagine it any other way.

Also, I have to say that when I had my son, I was delighted to discover how incredibly cute the boy clothes at The Children's Place are. Really!

February 16, 2006 10:02 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

My SIL found out the sex at her 20 week scan just because she knew she'd be disappointed if it was a boy, and she wanted to get the mourning over with - and she's a fertile who has no problems gettign pregnant. So believe me, dear sweet megan, you are not alone. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it just means you had to let go of one of your expectations about what your life would be like. Now you've mourned that, you'll get on with being a wonderful mother to your son.

I know I will feel the same way IF we ever get pregnant and IF it's a boy. I hope I'll handle it as well as you have done.

February 17, 2006 1:03 AM  
Blogger elle said...

Hmm, that was interesting. I can't say that I have felt anything one way or the other. I tend to think it's a boy, my DH a girl...but I'm pretty open either way. I think the thing here is that motherhood is painted as this "apple pie" June Cleaver attitude. However you feel is the *right* way to feel. It makes you human! Not a bad mom! You will be an amazing mother, you will always have your child's best interests at heart. That is all that matters.

February 17, 2006 11:16 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I relate. I tell people I don't care but secretly I would love a girl. Not that a boy won't be awesome but I, like you have these little fantasies of having girls. As we don't know the sex it's going to be weird. I actually think IT IS a boy. Great to hear the u/s went well.

February 18, 2006 11:25 AM  
Anonymous Sara said...

We're due any day now, and don't know what we're having. My first was a girl, and though I think/say I'd be happy with either, the thought of a boy makes me ...anxious. Not unhappy, but more "what the heck do I do with that"? In fact, my surreal pregnancy dreams that have been about boy babies have just been burbling cauldrons of anxiety (strange men in my house who won't leave, a baby boy that is half fish so I cut his bottom half off). My 8 year old is resigned to the possibility, though...it's probably gonna be a boy, she says in an Eeyore voice :)

February 18, 2006 10:35 PM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

Sounds very normal to me. I was always on the side of girls and very disinterested in the idea of a boy - that's sort of changed now since I have spent so much time with my Naughty Nephews, the third was just one when we met and is about to turn four. Now I like them very much but I'd still like a girl.

February 19, 2006 4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just lurking around here, but I felt I had to comment. I cried and cried when I found out my son was a boy - I thought I would turn the world on its head by raising a super smart, self-assured girl and here I was having a boy who I thought did not need my help. I know now that it is not true.

It did help me finding out early because I mourned having a girl and then when my son got here, it was and is wonderful. When he was born, there was no way I wanted anything but him.

I still look longingly at cute girl dresses, but now I just buy them for all the little girls we know. And I am not disappointed my son is a boy at all - I just hope he never finds out about my crying and thinks I did not want him!

February 21, 2006 11:58 AM  
Blogger tonya said...

First of all, congratulations on finding our you're having a boy!

I concur with your other commenters that it is absolutely normal to hope for one thing and, when surprised, take some time to adjust.

Case in point: I was *absolutely convinced* during my first pg that I was a boy. When I delivered a healthy girl, it was such a shock. I cried, fortunately happy tears. I was so surprised but wildly excited to have a girl. All I could say was "I have a daughter! I have a daughter!" I think, deep down, I reallyreally wanted a girl but never let myself think I could have one.

Now, with my fifth pg and hopefully our second child, I have no earthly clue about gender. I would love to have a boy, mainly for my husband. We both come from such strong maternal families and he is vastly outnumbered at family gatherings, I think it would be great for us-- but especially him-- to be able to raise a son the way I hope I am raising our daughter.

I would love to have both a son and daughter, though I often wonder how my daughter, being such a spirited child, would be as a big sister to a girl.

Even though we can find out the gender very easily (our u/s tech wrote it in a note for us), we still haven't looked. I had not thought much about finding out the sex now as a way to work through any possible dissapointment I might feel. I need to give that some serious consideration....

February 21, 2006 10:45 PM  
Anonymous Jan said...

I AM still trying to conceive - but have never been good at heeding warnings! - and I still sympathise. I just saw a friend today who is pregnant after more miscarriages than me (I've had 3, she's had 5!) and is now fairly safely into pregnancy and has found she is expecting a little girl. Suddenly I was really jealous - before I'd just been so pleased for her. When friends have little boys, I feel a slight pang, but if they have girls . . . . Like you, I'd give anything just to have a healthy baby, and I'm at the stage where I'm contemplating surrogacy, adoption, donor eggs etc, and I cannot fathom this feeling I have. I'm sure that if I DID end up with a boy, I'd be delighted and just overjoyed to be a mother - it's very strange.

February 22, 2006 1:31 PM  
Blogger sherry said...

First, congratulations are surely in order.

Second, I imagined myself much the same as you did...all girls. And, when I found out one of my twins was a boy, I cringed at first, thinking, "What the HELL do I do with a boy?"

Now, 7 months later, I revel in being a Mom to a son. Of course, I love my daughter too, but to be honest, there is a special bond between mothers and sons, and I'm certain you'll just adore that little boy.

Sounds like he's lucky to have a pretty fab Momma, too.

Good luck.

February 22, 2006 10:28 PM  
Anonymous Alex/ Infertile Gourmet said...

I think it is perfectly normal. We all have an image of how our children come and who they will be. I have not doubt that you will love the little guy any less. Just a moment needed to grieve and shift your road. As an uber infertile who did not stop reading when you told me I am not shocked....really. Normal stuff if you ask me!

Glad things are going well.

February 26, 2006 4:34 PM  
Anonymous AussieJenn said...

Oh I so relate. I had the same reaction on finding out that the VERY LONG awaited precious baby inside me was a boy. After 4 years trying desperately to conceive, we finally had success through IVF and I knew that this was going to be our one-and-only child. On finding out the sex was male, I promptly burst into tears... later I thought about it, trying to put into words my disappointment... I wasn't sad because he was a he, but because I'd never have my daughter. All my life I'd pictured my daughter, imagined her, imagined teaching her all the "secrets" of being a woman...passing on all my precious girly stuff, my dolls, my jewelery... I just always assumed I'd have a daughter, AND a son. Finding out this very precious baby, the only one I was ever likely to have, was a son, meant that there wasn't going to a daughter. I needed to mourn this loss...and move on...
Fast forward to his birth and I cried again, tears of JOY...a beautiful baby finally in my arms...
Fast forward to today, and I still tear up - I have the most gorgeous active fun wonderful loving little 2 year son. Life is wonderful.

Good luck with your pregnancy. May your son bring you as much joy as mine has me. best wishes

February 26, 2006 7:10 PM  
Anonymous Jessica said...

You shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. Although I like to say that I don't care what I have, I know if it's a boy I am going to feel some disappiontment. I know I will also be happy after I get over it.
Congratulations!

March 01, 2006 8:49 AM  
Blogger tana said...

Hi,
Me again ;P. Found out that we are indeed having a boy. But it is weird; that now that I know we are having the boy we wished for, and knowing that this will be my last pregnancy, I am mourning the loss of my little Molly.

March 07, 2006 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Celeste said...

You've been kind of quiet...hoping you are okay.

March 08, 2006 2:16 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Your next baby can be a girl.......she'll need a big brother to look out for her!

You need to update girlfriend....missing you!

March 10, 2006 4:12 PM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

Just a note to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping all is well.
-D.

March 12, 2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Heh heh.
I have an absolutely gorgeous 11 month old boy. And way back when, when I got the results of my amnio, I cried when they told me it was a boy. Why? Because I had always envisioned a lovely little girl. Had a name picked out. Growing up with a sister, I didn't know anything about boys!!

But guess what? I wouldn't trade my little angel for anything in the world. And you will feel the same way.

cheers!

April 06, 2006 4:48 PM  

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