Still here, Still Pregnant
I'm SO, SO sorry. What an ungrateful wretch I am. I should have update months ago and have no excuses.
So, the blob just eventually went away. It got smaller and smaller until by around 14 weeks we couldn't see it at all. Then, I had several episodes of spotting that led to eleventy million ulltrasounds and an eventual diagnosis of a cervical polyp that is too far from the cervical opening to cause too many problems (we think.)
During one of the many u/s, we saw-without really wanting to know- that the baby is a boy. And you'd think, after all the complications and scary shit we've gone through since the very beginning of this pregnancy that I could just be glad I was still pregnant and that the baby was still alive. But, no, because I'm an asshole- I cried. AGAIN. I really, really want a daughter and this very may well be my last pregnancy. So, yeah, I'm dealing with that.
I'm 27w1d, and have almost no baby related tasks done. Gabriel is getting close to being potty trained- this should hopefully give me a month or two off from washing diapers, which will be nice. Gabriel is still co-sleeping and I don't think thats going to change any time soon so I'm simultaneously dreading and looking forward to sleeping between my two boys. The giant boy that I live with will likely spend most of his nights in the guest bed, but its comfy and he snores, so we're both ok with it.
I promise it won't be months before I update again!
The blob has a name. Not that it matters because nobody has ever heard of or seen one, including the first perinatologist we saw this week. The second perinatologist had seen 2 others in his 30 year career.
There has been one journal article published about the blob, and the abstract was pretty discouraging with a live birth rate of 43%. However, I bought the full text of the article and found that most of those pregnancies ended before a heartbeat was seen on u/s. The cause and effect is unclear. The study says a heartbeat is a good prognostic sign for the pregnancy, but in the study there were 2 cases of second trimester fetal demise (at 17 and 18 weeks)
The study is tiny (N of 15) but its the only one out there. The peri's say they've read the same one and its all anyone really has to go by.
I'm 9 weeks 2 days today. Now they're saying that if I get to 12-14 weeks with no significant bleeding that we should be ok. I'm concerned about what happens when the placenta becomes fully functional. I asked Carleton (Peri #2 looks just like Carleton from The Fresh Prince, but sadly would not do the Carleton dance for us) what he thought would happen, and he told me didn't know but he felt optimistic.
If anyone's interested, I can post pictures of the evolution of the blob, though I don't have the 6 week picture because I was so convinced it was over that I didn't want a picture. I hesitate because though there is a blob in the picture, there is also a baby and this is an infertility blog, afterall.
Interestingly, in the journal article, there were MRI images of the blob that were taken because of suspicion of a molar pregnancy. Apparently they are very similar in appearance in the early stages.
This limbo place is hard. I'm starting to feel ready to commit to being pregnant, but its scary. We made appointments to start interviewing midwives, which can either be seen as tempting fate or as thinking positively. At this point, I think its too late to try to stay disconnected. We've seen and heard the baby too many times. If we lose it now, it will be a real loss, not just a bump in the road (pun not intended)
Next appointment is in 2 weeks for another "viability scan", doesn't that term inspire confidence?!?
Maybe, maybe not
The blob hasn't gotten very much bigger, according to yesterday's u/s, but it hasn't gotten any smaller either. Fetus is growing appropriately. Moles grow are very aggressive and grow very quickly, so now they say its fairly unlikely thats what the blob is.
Now they're calling it an abnormal placenta. It was clear yesterday that the blob is the placenta (which we always assumed anyway, because thats what a partial mole is- basically a horribly f'ed up placenta), because we saw the cord attached to it. It kind of looks like a placenta now too, except 10 times larger than it should be at this point. There appears to be some bleeding near it, but I'm not spotting so it perhaps its only a small amount and is being reabsorbed.
The peri doesn't want to do another u/s for 3-4 weeks, unless there is spotting or some other indication to do one sooner. By 18 weeks (which might as well be 18 years) we should know for sure if the blob has developed into a normal placenta.
I have tiny, tiny amount of hope that there will be a baby at the end of this, which is nice since I feel like total ass all day long. Mostly I'm just glad that they don't think its a mole, because the implications of that particular complication can go on for years.
Thank you all so much for the love and good thoughts. They mean more to me than I can say.
Struck by lightning
Yesterdays u/s was bad. Spectacularly bad. No, it couldn't just be a garden-variety, run of the mill miscarriage for me.
No, its a partial mole
. Go ahead. Follow the links and join me in incredulity and horror. Be sure to read the part about lung metastasis. And waiting at least a year to attempt pregnancy again (which, sickeningly, is worse for me)
Of course, they say its too early to make a diagnosis. I had THREE pelvic ultrasounds yesterday, with the RE and the Peri. Nobody will call it. But I KNOW thats what it is. It can't be anything else. And next to the scary, giant blob is a tiny fetal pole, with a tiny flickering heart-waiting to be overcome by the blob thats taking all the space and all the resources.
There are no more words..
The day we left for our mini-vacation in San Diego, my sister's water broke and her triplets were born at 25w5d.
We drove back from San Diego immediately, got home at 1am, then got on a 6am flight back to IL. We were there for nearly a month.
The triplets are all doing as well as can be expected. There have been a lot of challenges, of course. Infections (MRSA), PDA's, and of course extreme prematurity. Their birth weights were 1#11oz, 1#13oz, and 2#2oz. Now, they are between 3# and 2.5#. At this point, we're pretty sure they are all going to survive and we're now worrying about what kind of disabilities they will have.
Because of the triplets birth, I never went back to the clinic for the CD3 u/s and we didn't do any treatment this cycle. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated on 10/1, which was waaaaaay late in my cycle. Just like when I got pregnant with Gabriel.
My period didn't arrive this week, so I took a pregnancy test. Imagine my shock when it was blazingly positive. Tuesday's beta was 100. Progesterone was "over 20"
So, yeah, Holy Shit. I'm back on hep@rin injections, twice a day. I had a repeat beta today, and when (if) the hcg hits 1000 we'll begin u/s's. I'm nervous and will feel better when we're sure its in the uterus and of course I'm worried about miscarriage as well, but its not consuming me like it did last time. I'm so much more relaxed, (its so nice!) probably because I can't obsess over it every minute because I have to chase Gabriel.
I'll keep you posted.
Scratch that, reverse it
19mm cyst, almost certainly functional. Today is maybe going to turn out to be CD 1, so I'd have time to go back for a CD 3 u/s to see if it had gotten small enough to do the Fem@ra, except we're leaving for a mini vacation tomorrow night and won't be back until Friday.
I'm considering flying home early for my u/s, except I've never left Gabriel before and thinking about it is making me teary! Also, we're actually driving to our destination, because of all the stuff we want to bring (scuba gear and my sewing machine, to name a few) and I don't know that I trust M alone with G on the 7 hour drive home!