Always a Bridesmaid....

Still here, Still Pregnant

2009-03-25T20:41:00.003-07:00

I'm SO, SO sorry. What an ungrateful wretch I am. I should have update months ago and have no excuses.

So, the blob just eventually went away. It got smaller and smaller until by around 14 weeks we couldn't see it at all. Then, I had several episodes of spotting that led to eleventy million ulltrasounds and an eventual diagnosis of a cervical polyp that is too far from the cervical opening to cause too many problems (we think.)

During one of the many u/s, we saw-without really wanting to know- that the baby is a boy. And you'd think, after all the complications and scary shit we've gone through since the very beginning of this pregnancy that I could just be glad I was still pregnant and that the baby was still alive. But, no, because I'm an asshole- I cried. AGAIN. I really, really want a daughter and this very may well be my last pregnancy. So, yeah, I'm dealing with that.

I'm 27w1d, and have almost no baby related tasks done. Gabriel is getting close to being potty trained- this should hopefully give me a month or two off from washing diapers, which will be nice. Gabriel is still co-sleeping and I don't think thats going to change any time soon so I'm simultaneously dreading and looking forward to sleeping between my two boys. The giant boy that I live with will likely spend most of his nights in the guest bed, but its comfy and he snores, so we're both ok with it.

I promise it won't be months before I update again!

Chor.ionic B.ump

2008-11-21T10:01:00.002-07:00

The blob has a name. Not that it matters because nobody has ever heard of or seen one, including the first perinatologist we saw this week. The second perinatologist had seen 2 others in his 30 year career.
There has been one journal article published about the blob, and the abstract was pretty discouraging with a live birth rate of 43%. However, I bought the full text of the article and found that most of those pregnancies ended before a heartbeat was seen on u/s. The cause and effect is unclear. The study says a heartbeat is a good prognostic sign for the pregnancy, but in the study there were 2 cases of second trimester fetal demise (at 17 and 18 weeks)
The study is tiny (N of 15) but its the only one out there. The peri's say they've read the same one and its all anyone really has to go by.

I'm 9 weeks 2 days today. Now they're saying that if I get to 12-14 weeks with no significant bleeding that we should be ok. I'm concerned about what happens when the placenta becomes fully functional. I asked Carleton (Peri #2 looks just like Carleton from The Fresh Prince, but sadly would not do the Carleton dance for us) what he thought would happen, and he told me didn't know but he felt optimistic.

If anyone's interested, I can post pictures of the evolution of the blob, though I don't have the 6 week picture because I was so convinced it was over that I didn't want a picture. I hesitate because though there is a blob in the picture, there is also a baby and this is an infertility blog, afterall.

Interestingly, in the journal article, there were MRI images of the blob that were taken because of suspicion of a molar pregnancy. Apparently they are very similar in appearance in the early stages.

This limbo place is hard. I'm starting to feel ready to commit to being pregnant, but its scary. We made appointments to start interviewing midwives, which can either be seen as tempting fate or as thinking positively. At this point, I think its too late to try to stay disconnected. We've seen and heard the baby too many times. If we lose it now, it will be a real loss, not just a bump in the road (pun not intended)

Next appointment is in 2 weeks for another "viability scan", doesn't that term inspire confidence?!?

Maybe, maybe not

2008-11-07T13:41:00.004-07:00

The blob hasn't gotten very much bigger, according to yesterday's u/s, but it hasn't gotten any smaller either. Fetus is growing appropriately. Moles grow are very aggressive and grow very quickly, so now they say its fairly unlikely thats what the blob is.

Now they're calling it an abnormal placenta. It was clear yesterday that the blob is the placenta (which we always assumed anyway, because thats what a partial mole is- basically a horribly f'ed up placenta), because we saw the cord attached to it. It kind of looks like a placenta now too, except 10 times larger than it should be at this point. There appears to be some bleeding near it, but I'm not spotting so it perhaps its only a small amount and is being reabsorbed.

The peri doesn't want to do another u/s for 3-4 weeks, unless there is spotting or some other indication to do one sooner. By 18 weeks (which might as well be 18 years) we should know for sure if the blob has developed into a normal placenta.

I have tiny, tiny amount of hope that there will be a baby at the end of this, which is nice since I feel like total ass all day long. Mostly I'm just glad that they don't think its a mole, because the implications of that particular complication can go on for years.

Thank you all so much for the love and good thoughts. They mean more to me than I can say.

Struck by lightning

2008-10-31T09:58:00.005-07:00

Yesterdays u/s was bad. Spectacularly bad. No, it couldn't just be a garden-variety, run of the mill miscarriage for me.
No, its a partial mole. Go ahead. Follow the links and join me in incredulity and horror. Be sure to read the part about lung metastasis. And waiting at least a year to attempt pregnancy again (which, sickeningly, is worse for me)

Of course, they say its too early to make a diagnosis. I had THREE pelvic ultrasounds yesterday, with the RE and the Peri. Nobody will call it. But I KNOW thats what it is. It can't be anything else. And next to the scary, giant blob is a tiny fetal pole, with a tiny flickering heart-waiting to be overcome by the blob thats taking all the space and all the resources.

There are no more words..

Amen, sister....

2008-10-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

What Julie said...

Good excuse

2008-10-16T11:55:00.002-07:00

The day we left for our mini-vacation in San Diego, my sister's water broke and her triplets were born at 25w5d.

We drove back from San Diego immediately, got home at 1am, then got on a 6am flight back to IL. We were there for nearly a month.

The triplets are all doing as well as can be expected. There have been a lot of challenges, of course. Infections (MRSA), PDA's, and of course extreme prematurity. Their birth weights were 1#11oz, 1#13oz, and 2#2oz. Now, they are between 3# and 2.5#. At this point, we're pretty sure they are all going to survive and we're now worrying about what kind of disabilities they will have.

Because of the triplets birth, I never went back to the clinic for the CD3 u/s and we didn't do any treatment this cycle. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated on 10/1, which was waaaaaay late in my cycle. Just like when I got pregnant with Gabriel.
My period didn't arrive this week, so I took a pregnancy test. Imagine my shock when it was blazingly positive. Tuesday's beta was 100. Progesterone was "over 20"
So, yeah, Holy Shit. I'm back on hep@rin injections, twice a day. I had a repeat beta today, and when (if) the hcg hits 1000 we'll begin u/s's. I'm nervous and will feel better when we're sure its in the uterus and of course I'm worried about miscarriage as well, but its not consuming me like it did last time. I'm so much more relaxed, (its so nice!) probably because I can't obsess over it every minute because I have to chase Gabriel.

I'll keep you posted.

Scratch that, reverse it

2008-09-06T10:02:00.003-07:00

19mm cyst, almost certainly functional. Today is maybe going to turn out to be CD 1, so I'd have time to go back for a CD 3 u/s to see if it had gotten small enough to do the Fem@ra, except we're leaving for a mini vacation tomorrow night and won't be back until Friday.

I'm considering flying home early for my u/s, except I've never left Gabriel before and thinking about it is making me teary! Also, we're actually driving to our destination, because of all the stuff we want to bring (scuba gear and my sewing machine, to name a few) and I don't know that I trust M alone with G on the 7 hour drive home!

2008-09-05T20:19:00.002-07:00

We had our post cycle consult with Yoda (which is really a terribly unfair nickname, as Yoda is really a very beautiful woman.) Here's what she had to say:
FSH is ok. Not great, but ok. She isn't worried. Lots of antrals.
Response to Clomid is ok. Could have been better.
Progesterone is not ok. She doesn't want to do progesterone supplementation because that only masks the problem-which is some sort of ovulatory dysfuntion.

She wants to try one more timed intercourse cycle on Fem@ra. Then move on to injectables and IUI.

Our insurance only covers testing-no treatment, so we're scrambling to come up with a way to pay for this. The timed intercourse/Fem@ra cycle is going to be around $500, which we can swing-but just barely. I have no idea what we'll do when/if we have to move on to bigger guns. Our money situation is precarious-the airline industry is a pretty scary place to be right now. Just the cost of the meds alone is frightening, not to mention the monitoring and procedure costs.

My home state (IL) had mandatory infertility coverage and I've thought seriously about moving back, for that reason alone. Its just NOT FAIR that insurance companies can get away with not covering infertility treatment. Yet, they cover impotence drugs and treatment... Makes me so mad.

Also, another thing that makes me mad. Sarah Palin. Hate. her. In the interest of my blood pressure and carpal tunnel, thats all I'll say about that.

Random- edited

2008-09-02T10:21:00.004-07:00

I hate when bloggers disappear. I can't stand not knowing the rest of the story. Avonlea is the one who just came to mind, gone after her last post which was horrible and sad-her husband left her for another woman in the midst of their adoption after infertility. My Eggs Are Cooked and Hardscrabble are a few more. (Yes, I know that Tertia gave us an update on Danae, but it was a long time coming)

I'm still waiting for the results on the stat progesterone that was drawn on Friday....I'm not sure if its because of the slacking at the lab or the slacking at the clinic that I'm still waiting on those results 4 days later, but I'm pissed.

I'm pretty sure the results aren't going to be good. Despite a blazing positive opk, my temp barely, barely went up. So slightly that it could just be a difference in room temperature or something.

I'm guessing the results will either be anovulatory, or maybe slightly higher- meaning some sort of ovulatory actitvity-but nothing that could result in pregnancy.

Some other numbers came back last week. My fasting insulin was 6 and my fasting glucose was 87. Good news, because I'm constantly afraid of that PCOS diagnosis. I asked at my last u/s, what the difference was between multi-follicular ovaries and polycystic ovaries. The difference is the "string of pearls" appearance. My ovaries are multi-follicular, meaning they're just covered in lots of antrals, not lots of cysts. It can make them harder to stimulate, but not as difficult as polycystic ovaries. However, one doesn't have to have polycystic ovaries to have PCOS. Confusing stuff, PCOS.

Progesterone 9.2, not stellar, but at least I ovulated.... who knows what the f is up with my temp not rising. Maybe I need a new thermometer.

Miscellanea

2008-08-21T16:46:00.003-07:00

Opk is just now, finally, positive. M gets back from a 3 day trip late tonight. I told him to take his pants off in the car so that we don't waste any time. And apparently the 3 times we had forced, quickie ttc sex while G watched Curi0us Ge0rge in the 24 hours before his trip were a waste of time and preseed.
Its hard to remember that for some people, trying to get pregnant is fun.

My sister is in the hospital with contractions. She is 23w3d. The contractions don't appear to be causing any cervical change but they are keeping her in the hospital anyway, possibly until the babies are born. That seems a bit extreme to me, but what do I know?

I'm on call for 2 births in the next month, just as a doula. I've started to pick up some clients, not because I really wanted to go back to work, but because we're very worried about M's job and we need the money.

M is an airline pilot and the airline industry as a whole is not doing well and most airlines, his included, are furloughing pilots. He is safe from the first round, but just barely. If there is another round of furloughs, he will lose his job. As he is the sole income provider for our family, we're very worried.
The plan for now, is to reduce/eliminate all consumer debt and after that, to save as much money as possible. He's looking for another job already, but so is everyone else.
.
Before G was born, I never really worried about money. I always knew that I/we would be able to figure something out, and we'd lived poor before, we could do it again. But now, its different. With the possible loss of M's job and income looming, its really hit me that without M, I have no way to provide G with the things he needs. Working as a midwife is pretty much out of the question, with the completely unpredictable hours, low income potential and zero benefits.

I think more and more about going to nursing school. I don't really think I would like being an RN, but at least you can always get a job. My mom is an RN, as well as several friends and almost none of them like their jobs. The program is also 2 years of no income and lots of time away from the family-not to mention the financial cost. Of course, if I get pregnant, that will complicate things too.

Hope

2008-08-18T18:26:00.003-07:00

I went back today for an u/s to see if any of the tiny follicles we saw on the 13th were growing. I wasn't holding out much hope, because the opk's weren't very dark, though I did skip Saturday because we were out of town. Also, on Saturday I started noticing bits of eggwhite, Sunday there was a bit less. And today, Monday- I have a big, 19.8mm, follicle on one side.

Of course, because I am a pessimistic idiot who ignored signs of ovulation, we haven't had sex once this cycle. I probably surged Saturday, and we've probably missed it. Shit.

Nurse L, my very favorite wand monkey, said the line around the follicle was still very crisp and that she didn't think I'd ovulated yet....but the eggwhite is gone and the opk line is very faint. But my temp is still down.

I am so confused. I am also happy that it looks like the cl0mid worked. Maybe my ovaries aren't shriveled up like raisins yet.

Diminished Ovarian Reserve

2008-08-13T16:39:00.003-07:00

Results of the cl0mid challenge test..

CD3 FSH: 5.75
CD10 FSH: 8.35

When the cd10 FSH is higher than the cd3 FSH, diminshed ovarian reserve is indicated, according to Dr. Google. Yoda's nurse told me nothing but the numbers. When this cycle is over, we'll do another consult to go over the cycle and Yoda will give me the official notice.

Also, my ovaries are now multi-follicular (they weren't before I got pregnant with G) and the cl0mid doesn't appear to be working, as my cd10 u/s showed the biggest follicles at only 8mm.

Can this be happening?

Back from Vacation!

2008-08-07T07:42:00.006-07:00

We had a great time!!

On the way home from vacation, we stopped at my parent's house for a few days where we had a family birthday party for G.

Then, 2 days after we got home, we had a big party here at the house for him. Those are chocolate chip cupcakes with vanilla and chocolate buttercream frosting. Made from scratch. UH-MAY-ZING.

And then, a week later, I saw Yoda (our RE.) And just like that, we're in the insanity. Today is the second day of the Cl0mid challenge test. Oh, how I loathe cl0mid.....

Oh, Pietro,

2008-06-27T12:46:00.001-07:00

I'm not interested in reviewing your penis enlargement device, but thanks anyway.

Yikes...sorry!

2008-06-27T12:13:00.003-07:00

The previous post was sitting there in draft form for over a month, because I apparently forgot to publish it...And I had another one started that I just deleted because it mostly was just a bunch of whining.

I suck at blogging. I have all these ideas that never seem to make it out onto the page.

I'm at the end (I think) of an over 40 day cycle. I have a shiny new clomid prescription that I was going to use this cycle, but due to this current never-ending cycle, I'm not going to be able to take it until the cycle after next, which sucks, because G and I are going on vacation on the 14th and M isn't coming with us. We'll be joining my family in Wisconsin for 2 weeks and M has to work. I'm really looking forward to the vacation, despite all the associated family drama that is accompanying it this year.

The closer we come to G's 2nd birthday, the more pressure I feel to get pregnant again. I don't even know if I'm really "ready", although how do you ever know that? I do know that I want the kids to be as close together, age wise, as possible. And it took us 3 years to get pregnant with G.

In other pregnancy new, my sister is 15 weeks pregnant with TRIPLETS!!!, after an IUI with injectables. Her pre-IUI u/s showed one dominant follicle and several smaller ones. They told her there was no chance of multiples...

I'm excited and scared for her and the babies. She seems to get getting good care from a fairly non-alarmist perinatologist who says he doesn't automatically require bedrest and would allow her to attempt a vaginal delivery if all 3 babies are head down (which will never happen, of course)
Her technical due date is 12/14, but they will hopefully arrive sometime in early November.

I've already told my mother that I know she will do her best not to favor the triplets, but that I'm going to be sensitive about it. Funny how I would even think about that sort of thing, but sibling rivalry never dies, I guess.

Snow White

2008-05-23T09:06:00.005-07:00

was the color of the HPT I peed on this morning at 11 days past supposed ovulation. I wasn't surprised, or even that disappointed, strangely. Weird.

What I really came to rant about is how difficult OPKs are to read. M and I were both squinting at it this week, trying to figure out which line was darker, then trying to figure out if we had gone over the time limit in which you're supposed to read the stupid thing...

Last time we did this, I used a fertility monitor for a little while, then gave it up because my long cycles made the sticks got to be too expensive and I just decided it was too much of a PITA. I pulled it out again to maybe use it for this cycle and its broken. I think I'm going to get a new one on Feebay for the next cycle. The reasons I didn't like it before still exist, but my fertility "signals" are not as clear this time and I have less time to analyze them then I did before, which is probably a good thing.

Pee sticks, redux

2008-05-11T22:22:00.002-07:00

Gabriel is 21 months old. We waited longer than I thought we would, longer than we probably should have, to start thinking about baby #2.
My cycles are strange. Usually very long, sometimes anovulatory. I'm still nursing G, but the cycle weirdness probably can't be blamed on the nursing, because this wasn't unusual before he was concieved. Today is cycle day 20'ish, and I've had egg white for a few days and today the line on the stick is finally starting to look similar to the control line.
Looks like its time for more fun, fun, fun ttc sex. I thought maybe we could just do that "not trying, but not preventing" thing. Ha! You have to have sex for that to work. Between Gabriel still co-sleeping, the exhaustion of parenting a toddler and M's exhausting work schedule, recreational sex is the furthest thing from our minds these days.

When I started blogging, there were a few other blogs that got started around the same time I did, and coincidentally all of us had babies around the same time. A few other blog babies were born around that time too. Most of us are thinking about or currently gestating the next baby, some of us are just happy with one.

Honestly, I think I could be happy with just one baby. Trying to conceive is such a mind-fuck, and while I loved pregnancy, that labor and birth thing was not fun. The biggest reason we want more children is the deep desire for Gabriel to have siblings. I really believe the sibling relationship is as deep and important as the parent/child relationship. I don't want to deny him that relationship because I'm scared of childbirth or afraid of the chaos of the early years of parenting more than one child.

So, I'm peeing on sticks again. Its different this time. I feel hopeful and nervous-and wonder when/if this will give way to despair. I try to enjoy every minute with Gabriel, even when its hard and he's screaming and pulling everything out of my cabinets and shaking pail powder all over the house. Or climbing on the kitchen table, pulling out napkins, playing with placemats and dumping salt and pepper everywhere.

I'll keep you posted on the second round of peeing on sticks, in about 2 weeks or so. I've already ordered the jumbo pack.

Gabriel Sky's First Year

2007-08-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

One Year (edited)

2007-08-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Gabriel was a year old on Monday. We had two parties for him, one in my hometown, and one in the city where we live now.

On the morning of his birthday, we sat on the floor in the exact place he was born and read "On the Day You Were Born."

I only cried a little.

I made a movie of his first year, but I can't figure out how to post it here. I haven't been blogging much (at all) since I switched to a Mac, so I wonder if thats why I'm having trouble posting. There are also a bunch of icons missing from my post edit toolbar. Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks for your suggestions! I downloaded Moz.illa Fire.fox today and its working great! My toolbar is back and I'll post the movie later today!

The more things change, the more they stay the same

2007-03-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be setting up a new blog. I've looked into other blog services, designers, etc. But I feel so emotionally attached to this blog that I'm having a hard time getting enthusiastic about switching.
I do that, get emotionally attached to things. I still have Gabriel's cord clamp, the first hat the midwives put on him, the pregnancy tests that let us know we were in for another rollercoaster ride, and many, many other thing that I can't throw away. I keep small momentos of the places I've gone and people I've known.
I hang on to lots of things that I should probably just let go of.
The feeling I get when I hear of other people's pregnancies is one of those things. Its a sinking feeling in my stomach, an ache in the back of my throat. A good friend called the other day and told me she had happy news. Instantly, my stomach knotted up and as she continued to talk and her news was NOT that she was pregnant, I felt such relief. I WANT this friend to be pregnant. Why, even when I'm holding my own sweet boy in my arms, do I dread pregnancy announcements?
I have a good friend who is about 28 weeks pregnant. I can talk pregnancy talk with her all day long. I am a bit jealous, but only because I remember the wonder and joy of being pregnant with your first baby. I don't think there is ever another time in your life that is filled with so much magic. I know the subseqeunt pregnancies are wonderful too, but there is just something about having your first baby and being right on the cusp of life's biggest journey.
Gabriel is getting so big now.
He's sitting up and is about to cut his first tooth. He's not a tiny baby anymore. I cried when I folded the smallest of his clothes for the last time, to pack away in hopes of a younger sibling someday wearing them. I've gone through his closet many times since then, pulling out too small clothing. I don't usually cry anymore, but I'm always very wistful.
I put his clothing in giant plastic containers and store them in the garage. I usually have one thats about half full sitting on the cedar chest at the end of my bed. For a few months, the tag of one never-worn outfit was pressed against the translucent side of the containter. It was a round, blue tag that said "Just One Year." The rocking chair faces the cedar chest, so during those months whenever I rocked Gabriel I was reminded, Just One Year, Just One Year, Just One Year.
Its not long enough, one year.
Thinking of Gabriel nearing the end of his babyhood has got me thinking about another baby. I'm reluctant to start trying to conceive, because it is just. so. damn. hard. I want to enjoy every second with G, in case he is the only baby we ever have. I don't want any time with him to be tainted with the emotional drain of IF. But we want him to have siblings, and it took us 4 years to have him. I don't feel ready to try again, but I'm afraid to waste any time. I think I've decided that when he's a year old, we'll start trying again, ready or not.

6 Months

2007-01-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

Half a year.

Amazing.

Manuela?

2007-01-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

Someone please tell me why Manuela is now password protected!
Did I miss something?!?

Edited to add: WTF has been going on with Heaven Nose and Trainwreckers. And WhereTF have I been to just now been hearing of this.

Edited again: Ok, I think I'v been able to piece together the HN vs TW thing. But what does any of it have to do with Manuela?

Year End Meme

2006-12-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

First Lines of 2005 Posts

January: I had a Diet Coke this morning with my bagel.

February: I do monthly breast self-exams (and you should too!)

March: I am a really shitty blogger.

April: 26w3d, for those keeping track.

May: -no posts at all in May!-

June: My life is very boring and is totally focused on the impending arrival of the occupant.

July: Remember my sweet infertility puppy Santana?

August: So! We had a baby!

September: Its been one month (and 2 days) since we first saw your face.

October: Oh, there is so much I want to talk about.

November: One year (and 3 days) ago, I went to see a new, holistic doctor after giving Yoda the boot.

December: I'm very embarassed to see its been 2 months since I posted.

Pretty boring. I should do another one where I pick the best lines of the month, or the ones that I think capture the feeling and mood of the time when I wrote them. Maybe I'll do that one of these days.

2006-12-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that almost all of my archives are gone.
Someone else I know in real life found my blog. I was actually really pissed off about it, which is quite ridiculous since I use my real name and have pictures of myself posted all over the damn place. Its not like I was making any effort to be anonymous. But somehow, I still feel like someone just read my diary. It just feels a lot different to share such intimate details with relative strangers, than to share it with people I have to face.
So, I took down the archives. Unfortunately, I think I lost all the comments on them when I did it, which really sucks.
When I look at my Statcounter page, I will often see that someone has spent hours reading all of my archives. I was sad to take them down because I hope that they are helping the people who read them.
I've said before that I'm going to be making some changes, but I'm not sure how its all going to go. I've thought of going password protected, but if I'd done that in the beginning, I would never have "met" such amazing women. I've thought of starting a new blog, and reposting all the archives, with names and pictures removed. I'm just not sure what to do. I guess I'll figure it out eventually.
Things in the rest of my life are complicated. Some things I'm not comfortable writing here, though I wish I could. (One more reason I've got to do something with this blog situation)
The worst though, is the passing of my Grandmother. My beloved Grandma, the Grandma of my heart, died on December 20. She was 85 years old, but in good health. She died very suddenly while writing out her Christmas cards. We were very close and I miss her so much already. It was a very melancholy Christmas season, though we did have a good Christmas day-with most of the focus on Gabriel. He was our shining light through the grief of losing my Grandma and our constant reminder that her death is just a part of the circle of life.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, and that the New Year brings you whatever you heart desires.

Anyone still out there?

2006-12-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm very embarrassed to see that it has been 2 months since I posted. I love to blog and I have lots of ideas floating around my head, but you see, I have an infant who does not nap. And a husband who is gone all the time. And national certification exam in February that I should be spending all my free time studying for.
I have several posts in draft form that may never get finished. Maybe after the holidays and after my exam I'll have a little more time to spend here.
In the mean time, here are a few recent, random pictures.

Stats

2006-10-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I didn't post Gabriel's stats in his birth announcement or in his birth story.
He weighed 9 pounds, 0 ounces and he was 21.5 inches long
He had a 14.5 inch head and a 15 inch chest.
Big boy!! That might have something to do with the missing labia...
And for fun, here are some "now and then" pictures.

3 hours old

2 days old

3 days old

8 weeks old

9 weeks old

I'll be making some changes soon.

2006-10-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

To my blog, that is. In the past few months, a few people I know in real life have found my blog. I'm ok with these specific people having found it, but I'm quite nervous about who else might have found it without telling me.
I've always been pretty open about my name, where I live, showing pictures, etc. I guess I just thought the internet was big enough to hide in.
I'm not going to take down my blog, but I'm taking down some of my archives until I have enough time to go through and change some identifiers.
I'm also looking for a new blog design. Anyone know a good designer?

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

2006-07-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

Gabriel Sky
Born at Home!
7.30.06
10:10am

Balls

2006-02-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

Thats what we saw last week at our ultrasound. Our little exhibitionist spread his legs,mooned the "camera",and there they were. A teeny little penis and teeny little balls. No doubt about it, this kid has outdoor plumbing.
Mitch cried. I felt like I was having an out of body experience.
Now, if you are still trying to get pregnant, stop reading. I mean it. Stop. Now.
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Then I cried. And not in a good way.
I never thought I'd have a boy. I always imagined myself as the mother of girls.
I felt like I had an idea how to raise a girl to be strong, independent, self-assured, sweet, compassionate and loving. I don't have any idea how to raise a boy.

I felt like the world's WORST mother already. The guilt was CONSUMING me. How DARE I feel anything but joy?!?!?
I would give everything I own for this baby to be born safely, and I was SAD because he wasn't a girl?

Then,later that day, I tentatively started talking to my mom and my girlfriends about it. And they all told me they felt the same way, about their first children especially. And I started to feel better. I started to realize that I wasn't really sad that he's a boy, I just had to feel the loss of my idea that I was having a girl.
I have always been BEYOND grateful that he is healthy and appears to be thriving. But now I am as in love with the u/s picture of his tiny balls as my husband is. I'm looking forward to being the mother of a sweet little boy.
I still have a hard time looking at tiny pink smocked dresses, but I'm very excited to be buying blue corduroy overalls instead.

(Please, PLEASE do not leave nasty comments about what an ungrateful bitch I am. Anyway, nothing you can say to me will make me feel any worse than I already did.)

Confessions at 13w3d

2006-01-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

#1. I had a Diet Coke this morning with my bagel. Its the first one I've had since I got pregnant and MAN was it good.

#2. I've been a raving bitch to my husband the last few days. There is too much stuff to get done in our house, and too little time to do it. Meanwhile he plays golf. This irritates me.

#3. I'm still jealous of IF bloggers who get pregnant, who hit milestones in their pregnancies, etc. WTF is the matter with me?

#4. I am wildly jealous of those IF bloggers who are having twins.

#5. I'm still afraid to try on the maternity clothes my mom got me for Christmas.

#6. I like to try to convince myself that I'm "showing" but really, its just all the french fries I've been eating.

#7. I listen to The Gummy's heartbeat so often that I try to hide it from my husband.
I'm desperately afraid I'm hurting The Gummy by subjecting him/her to so much u/s, but I can't seem to help myself. Its the only thing that takes away the DBTs.

#8. I haven't been blogging much because I don't know how to write about being pregnant here.

#9. I still feel like a fraud when I use the word "pregnant" in relation to myself.

#10. I'm very proud that I have, so far, been able to keep the promise I made to myself not to blog about pregnancy related complaints.

#11. The perinatologist says its ok to start having sex again. I'm both afraid to try, and desperately horny.

(Ok, now the Diet Coke has given me a terrible headache. Fucking artificial sweeteners.)

Dog in drag

2005-08-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

I think my dog may have gender identity issues. I caught him strutting around wearing a purple boa this afternoon. I think it may have something to do with his latent feelings regarding the removal of his testicles..

Home Sweet Homebirth

2005-06-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

Landmark Study Reports Planned Home Births Are Safe

"Outcomes of planned home births with certified professional midwives: large prospective study in North America." Kenneth C Johnson, senior epidemiologist, Betty-Anne Daviss, project manager. BMJ 2005;330:1416 (18 June). Published online at http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/cont.../7505/1416?ehom

A study published in the June 18 edition of the British Medical Journal found that for low risk women in the United States, planned home births are as safe as hospital births, and accomplished with much less medical intervention, compared with low risk hospital births. The researchers used prospective data on more than 5000 planned home births in North America attended by Certified Professional Midwives during the year 2000. This study is the largest yet on this subject, according to author Ken Johnson.

The study results belie the consistent claim of U.S. medical professionals and their organizations that "home birth is dangerous," a belief that is not supported by the weight of scientific evidence.

"We challenge U.S. physician organizations to acknowledge the findings of this study and others like it, and to actively support legislative and regulatory changes that will promote access to out-of-hospital maternity care provided by professional (independent) midwives, such as Certified Professional Midwives," said Susan Hodges, President of Citizens for Midwifery, a U.S. grassroots organization.

The researchers analyzed outcomes and medical interventions for planned home births, including transports to hospital care. According to the British Medical Journal press release, they found:

· Planned home births "had a low mortality rate during labor and delivery, similar to [rates] found in most studies of low risk hospital births in North America."

· "Rates of medical intervention, such as epidural, forceps and caesarean section, were lower for planned home births than for low risk hospital births."

· "A high degree of safety and maternal satisfaction were reported, and over 87% of mothers and babies did not require transfer to hospital" care.

These outcomes indicate that, despite many of the midwives in the study not being well-integrated into the healthcare system, appropriate transports were accomplished, and mothers and babies who needed hospital-based medical care received that care. Imagine the benefit to women and their families if these maternity care providers were welcomed and integrated into the American health care system. In addition, the results suggest that low risk women giving birth in hospitals many be subject to overuse of interventions that are not necessary for good outcomes.

This is an amazing study. Notice where it was published. The AMA controlled medical journals in this country wouldn't publish this study.

Better than Prozac

2005-06-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

I have been a very, very bad blogger. Without meaning to, I kind of took a break from all things infertility. We didn't even have sex ONCE this month. It actually feels really good to know that there is NO way I am pregnant. Freedom from the tyranny of IF. Yahoo!!
There has been a lot of stuff going on. I'm going to write more about all of it this week. But firstly (totally not a word, I know) here is what we decided to do about my sadness/depression:

His name is Santana. He's a new fangled kind of "hybrid" breed called a Golden Lab. Thats half Golden Retriever and half Yellow Lab; All the good things about both breeds without the breed related health issues.
He is funny and feisty. And so sweet when he's sleepy that you want to just eat him up.
Valentine, our Boxer, loves him and the cats are tolerating him ok.
And he makes me so happy and is so much fun I haven't even thought about my defective reproductive system once since we've had him.
I even laughed through my extreme frustration when Mitch actually said, "Maybe now you'll relax enough to get pregnant." Aren't husband drive-by's the worst!?!?!

p.s
Please head over and give Jen a little love. She's hurting right now.

ETA- Yeah, I know Santana is the IF puppy that so many of us seem to acquire during some part of our IF journeys. Baby substitute, something to love, etc. etc. But who cares? Puppies are a sure cure for sadness. I highly recommend them, stereotypes be-damned.

How Republican Am I?

2005-05-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

I am:
-17%
Republican.

"The Marxists are too reactionary for you. With people like you around, America collectively thanks God for John Ashcroft."

Are You A Republican?

A little background:

2005-03-31T12:25:00.001-07:00

I began my clinical training in St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands. It was divine. I loved every second of our lives there. Mitch flew smaller planes for different Major Airline, and I went with him on his trips to St. Lucia, Grenada, Aruba, Tortola, and other similarly hideous places. When I wasn’t traveling, I was delivering babies. We lived in a house on the ocean and I saw dolphins and whales from my porch. I swam everyday in a heart-shaped bay whose name I share. To say that life was perfect is an understatement.
9/11 happened. The airline industry tanked.
We left paradise and moved to a small liberal city in the midwest, where I finished my clinical training. I had amazing experiences in this part of the country, including lots of Amish births and meeting the women who would shape my character as a midwife and as a woman.
When I finished my clinical training we moved to a small ultra liberal city in the north Midwest, where I began my midwifery practice and we continued to try to have a child. We loved this city. We planned on staying there for the rest of our lives. I made the best friends I’ve ever had there. (More later about this)
When we had been in this city for one year, and 6 months after I had the ectopic, Mitch got hired by a different Major Airline. The pay would be better, his schedule would be better; he could stay at this airline until he retired.
Around this time I began questioning whether or not I could still be a midwife. I was beginning to resent some of my clients, the young, unmarried ones who got pregnant on accident and continued to smoke pot and ride motorcycles.
So, we moved. To a large conservative Southwest city(that we really don't like), with plans to stay here one year or maybe 2, until Mitch was able to commute back to the north Midwest city we love. We would pursue fertility testing and make treatment decisions, and I would figure out my professional life.

We have been here one year. Here is what we’ve figured out so far:

We’re going to do 4 IUI’s, with injectables. If they don’t work, we will wait 6 months (to repair our finances) then begin the adoption process.

I am a midwife. Deep in my soul and bones, I know this is true. But I can’t practice as a midwife right now. Maybe sometime in the future, when time or a child has healed me, but not now.

Amazing race makes me cry, can't decide about IUI

2005-03-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the Amazing Race. There is an infertile couple on the show who, if they win, are planning on using the money to finance IVF. Not easy to figure out who I'm rooting for.
So, anyway, one of the tasks was to buy items like diapers, clothes, etc and take them to an orphanage in South Africa. It was hard for me to see all those gorgeous, smiling brown children on TV. I cried with empathy for what the infertile couple (who also happen to be brown) must have felt to see all those kids right in front of them, thanking them over and over for their small gifts. How they were able to leave that place without taking a dozen kids home with them, I don't know.

No segue here, I'm not a good enough writer to tie these things together...

I am rethinking the IUI's. I just don't have any faith that they will work. I am feeling very uneasy about spending $1200/month (and thats without meds) on an 8%(with clomid) or 15% (with injectables) chance of success. And more than the money, is the Hope that I can't spare. I can't waste all that hope on such a low chance of success There is not very much Hope to go around these days. I think more and more often about foregoing IUI altogether and begin investigating IUI or adoption.
Mitch wants to do the IUI's. I think, if we do them, I want to skip the clomid challenge test, and go straight to injectables. Really, whats in my mind is that I want to fast-forward through the IUI's, so that we can get on to making the IVF vs. adoption decision.
Of course,we can't afford more than one IVF, and even that will take a home equity loan.
And I'm terrifed that nobody in their right mind will give us a kid. I'm afraid that they will take one look at our debt to income ratio and laugh uproariously. (Student loans, and living off one income for the last 3 years while I finished my clinical training and began my first year of practice have done some pretty serious damage. And now I don't even know if I can be a midwife anymore. So, because I wanted to be a midwife, I might not be able to convince someone to get give me a kid. And because I can't have a kid myself, I might not be able to be a midwife. How's that for irony.....)

Also, I am fat. I gained 5 pounds last week. I almost did it on purpose. I ate everything in sight, including enough Easter chocolate to give a whale diabetes. I've said 3 times this week (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings) that TODAY I'm starting my diet!! I will lose these brand new 5 pounds and 30 of their friends!!
I just ate a honey roasted ham sandwhich on french bread, with mayo. And I washed it down with an ice cold glass of whole milk. 2 hours before that, and 30 minutes after previously mentioned declaration, I downed a grande Caramel Macchiato (From a coffee chain whose name is synonymous with Satan, but whose drive through is on my way to work) As you can see, the diet is going well......

I did go to the gym last night, and I will take a walk this afternoon. I love to listen to audio books and walk. All hail the invention of the iPod and Audible.com

No gym tonight though, its Wednesday. Wednesday is the night that Mitch and I spend together. We eat dinner, we watch LOST, then we turn off the TV and spend the rest of the evening talking. Often we take the dog for a walk, sometimes we get ice cream.
Tonight we will decide to IUI or not to IUI. With or without injectables.

Because theoretically my period should arrive soon. I am 12 days past my last prometrium. I am frustrated as hell about my period taking its sweet time to show the fuck up. I spotted a few days ago, but just once. I've had cramps every day since taking the last yellow bullet. But no little red bitch. I even wore my favorite turquoise, mesh, hipster panties which as any good infertile knows is a sure way to bring on the bitch. But no, she eludes me.

I'm rambling, but I like this blog thing. I might do it again tomorrow.

2nd One

2005-03-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

So, the lap is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The worst part was dealing with the anesthesia, and the shoulder pain from the CO2 that they blew me up with.
Its been about a month, and my scars are starting to fade slightly. I have 3 of them, about an inch long.
My post-op appointments were quite informative. My right side was full of adhesions and stage II endo. The endo and adhesions were lasered off, but my right tube is still misshapen and my RE, Dr. G, estimates that I have about a 30% chance of having another ectopic on that side. Great.
I have lots of neat pictures of my ovaries, uterus, tubes and even some of my liver and gallbladder. They make my husband dry-heave. I enjoy leaving them on the coffee table or on the kitchen counter...
At my last appointment, the wand monkey said that it appeared that I had already ovulated several days before. Bad news since we hadn't been having sex several days before. So Dr. G gives me a lab slip to get my progesterone checked in 3 days. The results say I haven't ovulated. So I begin prometrium.
Yep, thats right. The cycle that "they" all say is generally your most fertile, I don't ovulate for the first time in my life. And I have to take prometrium for the first time in my life.
I still don't have my period and I took the last pill 7 days ago. Its normal for it to take up to 20 days, says Dr. G's nurse.
So thats where I am now. Waiting for my period to start so we can do the Clomid Challenge test. We are opting out of the Post-coital test in favor of an IUI. If we combine the CCT with IUI, our insurance will pay for half of it. And who cares about the post-coital results. We've been trying it the "coital" way for almost 3 years!
In other news, I am taking one of my national midwifery exams in 4 weeks. Am totally ambivalent about it. Still don't know if I can be a midwife anymore.

First One

2005-02-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm starting in the middle, because the middle is where I am. I'm having an "operative laparoscopy and hysteroscopy" on Tuesday. I am way, way freaked out about this.

Why does everything regarding infertility have to hurt so much. Physically, I mean.
We all know it hurts emotionally, but isn't that enough! Must we be tortured in every sense of the word?

Sonohystogram= horrific cramping and lots of swearing
Endometrial Biopsy= Sharp, stabbing pain and crying while swearing
HSG= horrific cramping, intense cervical pain from the mother fucking tenaculum, and enough pressure to very nearly make me vomit on the poor x-ray tech.
Pelvic u/s (aka date with dildocam)= mild compared to everything else, but still...ouch.

Yes, I am a whiney, complaining, bitchy infertile. But only here.

After each of these procedures I sat up and joked with whichever member of my clinic's staff had been chosen to torture me that day. I minimize the pain to my husband and to my friends.

Why?